Here I am at 1:45 AM, unable to sleep, trying to figure out how to move forward. I don't really feel comfortable trying to drive my old beemer south to AZ, which is where I want to run to. I can't fly because I couldn't take my dog. Perhaps I could convince Mike to load up the camper and I can camp out at the golf course in John Day until earth moving is complete. I know I cannot stay here and hear the tractors at work. I wonder how many more days of earth moving there will be? I wonder if this knot in my gut will ever subside and how long until the swelling in my eyes diminishes? Will I ever be able to look up at this hillside with the same fervor that I did just a week ago? Will my desire to run my business and serve my community return? Who can run this place if I do decide to stay away for awhile?
It is the strangest, ickiest feeling I have, kind of like someone died... you know that helpless and hopeless feeling when you grieve their loss with such intensity ... you wonder why everyone else in the world is still going about their business when your world has stopped? Are you laughing at how pathetic I am? Boy, that's a good word for me right now! Miss Confident and Capable has turned into Miss Pathetic and Pitiful! A title I won't claim for long.
It is the strangest, ickiest feeling I have, kind of like someone died... you know that helpless and hopeless feeling when you grieve their loss with such intensity ... you wonder why everyone else in the world is still going about their business when your world has stopped? Are you laughing at how pathetic I am? Boy, that's a good word for me right now! Miss Confident and Capable has turned into Miss Pathetic and Pitiful! A title I won't claim for long.
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