Still Kickin' and Done Cryin'

We went to Bend for a couple days, for Dane's 21st birthday!  We did the Costco thing and also purchased a new fridge...  when we got back to our little home on the hill and got all our "stuff" unloaded, I took a look at the most beautiful view out my kitchen window and decided that no matter what happens next door, no one will take this from me- and I was able to kind of let go of that stupid knot in my gut.  We will plant fast growing trees along that whole side of our property.  I saw the neighbor out spreading grass seed there this morning so that indicates that perhaps the big tractor work is done. 

 

I had a wonderful Bible study this morning and I know God is growing me.  I was straying from my daily seeking and He reeled me back.  Today my tears were in response to His love for me and the refreshing of it! 

A little light flickered amid the destroyed hillside saga this afternoon, and I go to bed tonight hanging onto a bit of peace

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon.

(Do you know the rest?)

The tractors were rollin before 8 this morning, now there are two or three of them

There used to be a huge covey of quail living around that tree View from my fron steps

Can't sleep, may as well write

Here I am at 1:45 AM, unable to sleep, trying to figure out how to move forward. I don't really feel comfortable trying to drive my old beemer south to AZ, which is where I want to run to. I can't fly because I couldn't take my dog. Perhaps I could convince Mike to load up the camper and I can camp out at the golf course in John Day until earth moving is complete. I know I cannot stay here and hear the tractors at work. I wonder how many more days of earth moving there will be? I wonder if this knot in my gut will ever subside and how long until the swelling in my eyes diminishes? Will I ever be able to look up at this hillside with the same fervor that I did just a week ago? Will my desire to run my business and serve my community return? Who can run this place if I do decide to stay away for awhile?

It is the strangest, ickiest feeling I have, kind of like someone died... you know that helpless and hopeless feeling when you grieve their loss with such intensity ... you wonder why everyone else in the world is still going about their business when your world has stopped? Are you laughing at how pathetic I am? Boy, that's a good word for me right now! Miss Confident and Capable has turned into Miss Pathetic and Pitiful! A title I won't claim for long.

Part of Me Died Today

I don't know any other way to put it- my love for Dayville and my hope for my life here- were extinguished today. I cried every tear in me, and mourned the loss of a dream. It is probably very wierd to understand, for anyone who doesn't know how passionate I am, that I could be so moved by this land excavation -that it could impact me so deeply. I am praying that I will see it all in a new light tomorrow....

How Do I Turn Off My Tears?

It has been a terribly long, emotional day. I didn't sleep well last night as I worried about what was going to happen with the property next door... especially once the next rain comes... How come we can't put a small addition on a house but he can move TONS and TONS of earth and impact so many people without any permits? I just SO HATE injustice and feeling victimized. It is like I am in mourning. I had this wonderful, peaceful home for only a few weeks and I was thrust into "ha ha, you don't deserve it, oh we feel so sorry for you, nothing you can do about it" I have cried almost non-stop all day. I actually stood in my back door and screamed "GO AWAY" ... I never scream and I try to never cry, especially if someone will see me and pity me. Today I wrenched in tears and no one cared, no one heard me and I want to run away. Oh yes, no doubt I am over-reacting if this is not YOUR dream... This too shall pass, I hear in a small rational part of my brain, but reality is I want to run a million miles away... away from the friends I never had and the people who are so quick to judge, so slow to help.

Just gotta share my pain ....

This grader (or whatever it is called) worked non-stop all day today less than 100 yards from my new home up on the hill! Apparently creating new house pads right next to my new, private, wonderful home that I have only lived in for a couple weeks! I felt like I was being run over with each push of earth toward our fence.

It is hard to put into words how physically spent I am... I am guessing people think I am over-reacting which is really here nor there. This happened, I have no more control over it than I do to the fact that it broke my spirit today.

Still Learning

I learned two things yesterday, just thought I would share them as I haven't had anything to write about lately!

1) Do not leave butter in a butter dish on top of the toaster oven... (& then bake salmon burgers).

2) Do not eat potato chips after burning the roof of your mouth... ( with the hot cheese melted on your salmon burger).

Keep smilin'

Same hill, different day.....

We can see the John Day River from our kitchen windows. You have to look close to find it in this photo- the mountains are so dominant and the shadows on the valley floor don't help. I am sure I can take a better picture and I will replace this one when I do! Once the trees leaf out I don't think we will be able to see it anymore. It is funny that all the years we have had camp fires up here on the hill we never noticed the river. We are almost all moved in. The computer got moved up yesterday and I now have DSL. My kids came home for a day and it was wonderful to see them and meet Lyndee's new guy friend. Dane was a big help with the my office desk and computer. The old house is filthy. I always kept it neat but behind and under my neatness I discovered a slob.